Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
