Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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