Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
