I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Randomize
