Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
