On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
