very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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