All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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