it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
