i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
