I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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