I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
