I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
