btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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