It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
