hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
