sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
