you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Randomize
