dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
