I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
