blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
