uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
