She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
