i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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