Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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