Sponge bath it is.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
