I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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