You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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