remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
