can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
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My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
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SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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