I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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