For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
