If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
