I met the friendliest cop last night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
