Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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