To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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