I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
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cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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