the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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