did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
