I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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