she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
