i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
