is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
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Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
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So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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