I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
