shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Randomize
