my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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