yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
