I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
