Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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