Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
