Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
