Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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