So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
