Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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